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I think it’s really important to address warning signs of abuse. It’s hard because our culture has all these strange messages about romance and relationships so that a lot of unhealthy behaviours are considered normal. This helps to mask people who can behave in abusive ways. When I was in a Parent and Child Relationships class my prof, who used to work assessing child abuse cases, said that kids with abusive parents often really want to see their parents because no one is abusive all the time and they have really good memories of their parents as well as terrible ones. No one is abusive all the time. No one is completely awful. My ex has a beautiful singing voice, plays the guitar well, especially Ani DiFranco songs, is an amazing cook, has great taste in literature, makes great pancakes, works in a healing profession and reads a lot of feminist philosophy. He is also capable of kicking you in the stomach when you have the flu. Looking back I can clearly see the warning signs but I had no idea of them before. Lots of people capable of abuse are also attractive and interesting.

One of the things that you need to know is that the abuse is not about the person being abused. The abused person is an object filling a role. You are the girlfriend/boyfriend/partner. Anything about you that is unique is annoying or dangerous. The person capable of abuse has a lot of trouble regulating their emotions and needs outside help. If they are unhappy someone is doing something to them. The Norse myth of Loki is illustrative of this. Loki the God of mischief is imprisoned in a cave, wrapped to a stone with the entrails of his dead son. Painful snake venom drips from above and his wife Sigyn collects the venom in a bowl so he doesn’t get hurt. When the bowl is full she has to empty it out and while she does this he hurls abuse at her. He doesn’t thank her for holding the bowl because that is her job and he is entitled to it. He is angry when it is impossible for her to shield him from pain all the time.

These signs are good regardless of the genders of the people. I don’t include he/she everywhere but please feel free to read he as she.

Warning signs:

1. Whirlwind romance/rush to commit

This person falls hard for you suddenly. They want to live with you/ get married/have babies with you in the first weeks. They want to spend all of their time with you, shower you in compliments. They have never felt this way before….

At this point it would be good to check. Have they been engaged before? How long into the relationship were they engaged? Anyone who tells you they were engaged after four days should not get a date with you at all. Have they lived with another person? How long into the relationship before they moved in?

Why is this a sign?

– This can show you are a fungible object that could be exchanged for anyone filling that role. He/She doesn’t know you enough to love you for the quirky things that make you special. He doesn’t know you need to keep your feet cold to fall asleep, you sing Hello Dolly in the shower, you put ketchup on everything, need to keep your peas from touching your carrots and have a unique eye for framing photographs. He is in love with the idea of love and someone to be in love with. Later when you come out of the whirlwind of sex and compliments and he has a bad day one of those things will be the cause of it.

– the memory of this happy initial time can make you want to work hard to get it back. You could forgive things going badly, you can forgive the other warning signs, because you know that your relationship was able to work before. You remember the love stage. You think all relationships have a honey moon phase.

2. Jealousy 

Everyone can get jealous sometimes, we’re living in an individualist culture and we are taught we are entitled to attention and love. However, in healthy people jealous is something that gives you information about yourself. It might tell you you need to trust more or renegotiate the terms of your relationship.

In abusive people jealousy is a reason to regulate the behaviour of your partner. Their  jealousy is something You are doing to Them. The person wants you to stop wearing sexy outfits out, to stop talking to your friend who he knows wants to sleep with you. They look for ways your behaviour is a sign you are cheating. They tell you they trust you but not other men.  Again this is a sign you are an object. It is not your agency he is worried about it is other men who will trick you into sex.

-is he regulating your behaviour?

– is he critical of your dress?

-is he mistrustful of other men?

-does he dislike your best friends?

why is this a sign?

This jealousy can be used to slowly isolate you from your friends. He has a good reason why each of your friends is a problem. This friend is against him. That one wants you. Soon you are isolated. Once you are he will start to go out with his friends without you. You are an embarrassment to him. He will tell you to get your own friends. You can start to self police to make sure you are not going to make him jealous.

3. He seems to be really popular have a lot of friends/ lots of short lived shallow relationships

The person capable of abuse often has friends everywhere. He is friends with everyone. He has a friend who owns a company, runs a music store, flew around the world in a two seater plane. He has friends who are important in any domain you are interested in, in any scene you are involved with. (Just cut and paste- tattoo artist, DJ, drug dealers, band members, he is friends with them all.) He is invited to parties all the time. He will tell you exciting stories about his friends and introduce you to as many as he can within the first few weeks. wow you think he is really popular….

Ask them how long they have known him. How did they meet? Was he really invited to this party? They often invite themselves places. People capable of abuse tend to move from social scene to social scene often leaving devastation in their wake. They claim every acquaintance as a good friend.  They also often dominate the conversation so you can’t get into talking to their ‘friends’.  The appearance of popularity is often very important to mask the person capable of abuse. You can be taken in, if he has lots of friends then he must be a good guy.

why is this a sign?

It shows he values shallow relationships over meaningful ones. He cares about random peoples opinion of him. He probably has a really hard time with intimacy and will need you to fulfill his intimacy needs. He has trouble keeping close friends.

He can get away with a lot of bad behaviour in front of acquaintances because they don’t know him well enough to call him out. A lot of people are forgiving in the beginning. He could insult you in front of his friends and later claim they agreed.

An extra sign could come from you being ‘the only one who understands’ him and his pain. He is a sensitive guy. He has been hurt. No one but you knows how. All his friends have no idea about his pain/history of being abused. You are an angel for understanding.

4. “You’re too sensitive”/insulting you in public

The person capable of abuse thinks of you as a reflection on him. He is embarrassed when you do things that don’t match the image he wants to create in the minds of others. You talk too much. Or not enough. You can’t get away with wearing those pants they make you look fat. You would be better if only you did something else. Exercised more or less, read more or less or different things, sat up straight, curled your hair, whatever.  When he is with his group of friends he will bring up a personal story that you told in private and laugh at it. He will get people to laugh because you thought your outfit was stylish. He will tell a story about how much you embarrassed him. He will tell others about your political opinions and how wrong they are. He will tell a story about what you think and how “crazy” that makes you.

Why is this a sign?

We need other people to be a mirror for us. Like it or not we get a lot we take the inputs in our environment and react to them and that dance of inputs and outputs helps shape our self perception. Him insulting you erodes your self-esteem. If he does it in public it makes it seem like everyone doesn’t respect you. The world becomes a less safe place. He can tell you no one likes you and if you are only friends with his friends now then you will believe him. If you have a fight about him insulting you he can say well everyone EVERYONE thinks what I think. You don’t want to be embarrassing. You try harder to change. You become less and less yourself. If he is willing to insult you in public he doesn’t respect you.

5. You are afraid of him/her

The person capable of abuse will overreact. You had a terrible day and can’t wait to tell your person and they blame you and freak out. You never know how they will react. One day they are great the next day you are the most terrible person in the world. You are never on stable ground.

-can you tell them what you did today?

-can you tell them if you had coffee with a friend?

-do you need to hide things?

-are you afraid to tell them how you feel?

This is the biggest warning sign of all! If you are afraid trust that.

In a healthy relationship each partner works to make the relationship safe for the other person. Each person is respected. No one is insulted or belittled.

6. Eggshells-Explosion-Appology/honeymoon

You don’t want him to get upset. You are friendly. You don’t ever have a bad day. You are calm and happy. You are holding the cup to catch any stress that might fall on him.

He explodes because you left a dish on the sink, wrote a stupid facebook comment, wore ugly shoes. He yells and screams and calls you names. He/she may physically intimidate or hurt you. He may hurt your pet. He may destroy something special of yours. He tells you all the ways that this is your fault.

He is so sorry. He will never do it again. He was wrong. You are right. You are amazing. He is horrible. He starts to behave like the whirlwind honeymoon phase. Things are getting better. You know everything is looking up. You guys are having a good time. You don’t want to wreck the good time. Start walking on eggshells. Repeat.

If this sounds anything like you. This is absolutely abuse. Even if he/she is really nice sometimes. Even if you started it. Even if there was no hitting. Even if the hitting could have been worse.

Please feel free to add warning signs in the comments if I missed any and I’ll add them on. Coming soon – hope for the best plan for the worst and  how be a helpful ally to a friend if she is in this situation.